So I watch awful tv. It’s just what I do. While I was waiting for Top Model to come on, I watched I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant: Baby in the Living Room. Or something like that. There’s always a colon and then a descriptive passage. In general these are fairly normal people who somehow just don’t know they’re knocked up. This week’s episode featured some gems, though. First we had the woman who appeared to only have every other tooth and said that she wouldn’t trade anything for her kids. Ummmm….you do know that means that you value everything above your kids, right? Clearly you don’t value your dental health above your kids. Then there was the woman who said that her surprise child was a gift to god. I thought maybe that meant that she had offered him up as a sacrifice since he wasn’t planned anyway. I think she might have meant something different.
Then speaking of weird shit on tv, what is up with the mormon.org commercials? I couldn’t figure out what the first commercial was about but I noticed that the seemingly Hispanic man mentioned god and then he appeared to have more and more children. It was only four in the end but that still seems like a lot to me. The next commercial was an African American self- professed inner-city teacher. Both of them said that they were what Mormons were all about. I certainly don’t associate non-white people with Mormonism and frankly those people don’t help change my mind. All it does is make me wonder what is wrong with them and why any religion is advertising on tv.
*In poop news, a bird took an epic dump on my windshield the other morning. It was sort of raining as I drove to work and all of a sudden I heard a huge plopping sound. I thought maybe it was just an especially large raindrop, which didn’t really make any sense. But nope, I was two giant globs of poop. Each one was at least 2 inches. Proportionally I think that would equal a four foot long human poop. What was wrong with that bird? And how did it know to shit just out of the area that my wipers cover?
*I did mortgage counseling with an elf this week. I was meeting with a older client earlier and we had to switch meeting rooms because of a scheduling issue. So we move to a room that has a wall of windows. He sits in front of the window with me facing him, so he is essentially backlit. It’s then that I notice that his ears are very large and quite elfin. Then I also notice that I really can’t see his face in much detail anymore so all I can focus on is his ears. It was difficult to keep a straight face.
*Unrelated to my work, but related to someone else’s: I can’t handle the person who takes their job way too seriously. It’s never the person who should be doing it. Case in point, the manager at Wendy’s. (There does seem to be a fast food theme in my posts…) This dude really thought his job was extremely important and extremely cool. He was talking very loudly to a former employee/possible friend about all of his responsibilities and going on in great detail about the difference in hamburger patty sizes now. In the parlance of my youth, he was acting big. Then he showed his “friend” his new car, which was a 10 year old truck that he’s already used to sideswipe a pole. Hey, I’m not judging on the old car. I’m judging on you acting like it’s something to show someone. Where do people like this get their confidence? Perhaps they hang out with someone like my high school acquaintance that I friended on fb (for no reason other than we used to be honors chem lab partners). Every time she posts on fb, she either likes or comments on her own post. The fact that you posted it pretty much implies that you like it and if you had more to say, why not just include that in the original post?
*I picked up Maggie from school today. It’s always a good opportunity to see the moms I have nothing in common with. Tomorrow Maggie has a playdate with the MILF’s kid at her house in the gated community. Can’t wait to reciprocate that playdate. Maybe we can break into the vacant rental across the street so it is at least clean. Maggie requested a trip to the park after school so off we went. While we were there, the fancy quintessential North Seattle mom showed up. There’s the granola-ish Dansko crowd, but then there are the ones that wear designer sporty-type clothes and seem to be very high maintenance. There are usually boots, puffy coats, skintight leggings and hats. All of the stuff could have been purchased at Target but I guarantee it was from somewhere five times that cost. This particular incarnation had a plaid fedora-style hat that basically came down to her nose. How do you see in that? She also had on the tightest leggings I’ve ever seen without something over them. I felt like I was seeing both more and less of her than I should be seeing.
*Ugh, Fiona. I have no idea how 34 inches of human can rule a household like she does but we need to get a handle on that shit before someone gets hurt.
*And now for the quotes:
Maggie: Mommy, Fiona is letting her Elmo go potty all over the floor. She’s being a bad parent.
Me: Get to the back of the line, Fiona.